Scared-y Cat

Its a sunday and I should probably be out having some fun so that I dont crib
about wasting the only off I am to have for one whole week.

I know I should, particularly when I want to find more of the likes of me to hang out with, because sadly most people out there dont even get my humour.

(All my friends, being smarter, knew what this city would come to, have fled, without one backward glance.)

So anyway.

This has also been my fate lately when it came to meeting men, my parents "think" are just the right guys for me.
Its upsetting really.

My mother, on the other hand, begs to disagree. She says I should learn to respect other people's choices in life and their sense of humour.
I fail to see the connection.
But I will choose to keep quiet, it being my mom and all.

Anyway, the last experiment was a semi disaster, and it placed me in a situation where I had no control, so I'm scared to make any more attempts like that.

I choose to retrospect instead. Its potentially less scary, or atleast I think.

So, I think about things and about the men in my life and I think I can do better.
I also figure, that sometimes we have to take things the way they come,
and if you exercise too much caution, life's purpose is defeated.

I also figured that I'm not making too many memories now
as I'm too cautious in everything I do.
Which makes me really sad.

I used to be happy. Meeting people made me happy.
To correct myself, meeting informative people made me very happy.
They had so much to tell. and I, like a sponge, absorbing new information.
Its my food for life. Whatever be the source.
And caution, was a word I had never heard of.

But now, I am like that extinct russian dinosaur, who watches each step she takes,
lest it turns fatal.
Since when did I turn into a scaredy cat?

Inglorious Bastard

Sick of the robotic routine life that I lead,
I decided to give my Social self some air to breathe.
i had stifled it for too long, and it dint seem fair anymore. It was inhuman, and figured I d better mend my ways before the NHRC came knocking on my door.
The door is already begining to giva away anyway, with the constant banging by the maid, dhobi and all those who help me live my luxurious consumption oriented lifesyle.

So anyway, I had met this really nice guy one weekday, and decided to go out with him.

Now, what is a girl suppose to do if a really good looking and (apparently) gentlemanly guy is totally hitting on her?
And the slicing on the cake, asks her out?
How can you resist his charms(bastard!)?
I would have to be a homo to be so f****** immune!
Whatever!
Life is a lesson, and you learn it when youre through!
So,
all was good till he told me he's seeing this really young chick.
he says ..."catch them young and watch them grow!"
hah! child molestation that is you know! Peadophile! He should be hanged!
Whatever, and i feel bad and wonder about how old Im getting,
that men are saying these things to me !

To continue,
I think hes foreign returned (where Men are probably as cheesy as he is! )
so assumes its hep to make similies particularly using food and sex.
So when we're having a Xinger Burger .. you ll get points for guessing this one !...
BINGO!
He says... I loveeeee this. Having a Xinger is like having Sex!...
WOW! You are awesome man! A Burger .. Sex?
I know both are associated with satiating Hunger, But, dude? Huh?
Is there any comparison?!
And KFC fried burgers... can suck sometimes! (we were having that by the way.. .. he has bad taste! whatever! )

Anyway, after we come back, the guy has the cheek to want to come up to my apartment! bah!
Then I suggested we have coffee elsewhere.
But he insisted my place was better to hang out (smiling like the devil himself!)

Then in that moment, it hit me!
I totally refused, not really the way how i usually do it ... but succeeded anyway!
He just wouldnt give up for some reason!
Twenty minutes of sweet voiced denial, then a stern note.. that must have done it.
Gave a sigh of relief and ran for my life.... inside the apartment.
Thanked God (which I seldom do), my boarding school education, and eight years of solid experience this city has handed over to me ...
even if it hasnt been in a beautifully wrapped basket!

He was looking for fun. Me, silly me, wanting to have something meaningful.
I should have seen it coming, but maybe Im a little rusted from socializing so less.
But im glad i went out with him.
I have learnt my lesson.
Beware of the inglorious bastards who come hidden in sheep skin.

ramblings

Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
i wish I had that figured much early in life.

Waiting for certain events to occur before i made my move,
now makes me feel like an obsessed chess player.
Now I am stuck choosing between only black and white squares.
What choices!

suicidal thoughts

I realized today that I am replacable.

That all that I am can be substituted for by someone else so easily.

What is the point of living a life when the said is true?

You become aware of the fact that there is another person out there who can do all that you can and maybe even better.

That even as a friend u can be replaced. There are better friends who dont complain as much as you do and are definitely more fun to hang out with.

That as a daughter, another daughter can be the patriarchial daughter that your parents have ever dreamed of having and can fulfill their dreams and aspirations too.

That as an employee, there are smarter people out there who have the capability of availing all opportunities given to them and deliver magnificently.unlike you.

So where does that leave you?

Im at the brink of deciding between life and death..

and suddenly it doesnt seem to be a very difficult choice to make. hopefully.

futile attempts

In my attempt to attain that inner peace that the gurus and the media go on about all the time,
I decided to try several activities.. hoping atleast one would help me attain it.
One was a walk to the Deer Park near my house everyday. Its a kind of a deer sanctuary,
irony being you see more stray dogs and crows than the poor deer, who are shoved up in one remote corner, caged, and fed by the pity of the everyday joggers and arbid spectators like myself.
Anyway, all aside, its a wonderful place.
So began my walks.
Now, I have never really thought that the fact that I am a Girl, has anything to do with events taking place in my daily life.
I see men and women as persons and myself as one too.
So, one beautiful morning, with a big grin on my face that I was finally begining my journey towards peacefulness, I walked on towards my heaven(atleast for the time being it felt like one).

Half an hour on, I figure im being followed, or atleast it appeared.
So I decide to skip the visit to the Geese and go see the stinking rabbits instead.
It seemed as if my follower also had a fondness for the rabbits.
Fear suddenly gripping me, I toured all public sites, the monument, the lake and tried to get lost at the turn to the District Park.
Being short I got lucky.
Heaved a sigh of relief and walked on.
Soon found myself in the midst of couples, angered by my intrusion into their private nests.. found with much effort to delude the cops strolling around.

So went off and sat in the middle of the park.
Little did I know that the clock had already struck 10 and in came families to picnic in the park.
Kids screeched, moms blabbered and bitched and the dads (atleast some of them) letched.
I even had to watch my head a couple of times for a basket ball or a shuttle cork.
Now I m not known to be a patient person.
So, just so that I dont screw the childrens' day, I decided to go home.

Reached home, made myself an expresso.
put on the radio, and by luck, and old favourite was playing.
As I sat and sipped my coffee and hummed to my favourite number,
I felt a sense of calm, I hadnt felt in days.
I ultimately figured that doing the things you like to do, give you that inner peace and the rest of the talk,
its all just blah!